The Broken Road
by choose joy xox
Summary: "Did she want him to forgive her? Did she want him to hold her and kiss away her insecurities or did she want him to scream at her and tell her he hated her as much as she hated herself?" A speculation fic on Spoby's epic scene in 5x24.


**If the next episode doesn't go something like this I seriously want a refund. They owe each other apologies, but for me, Spencer has a lot more to feel guilty about this time around. If they make it all Toby feeling bad I will be so so so sos oso unhappy. Like literally so pissed.**

**I will consider continuing this into a two-shot depending on the episode. We shall see.**

**They Take Their Shots is about half done, fyi. I'm just struggling with it a bit. Okay, read and review loves. You're the best.**

SPOV

It was storming out. It was like Rosewood perpetually chose the moments she was alone, the moments when she felt the most vulnerable, to unleash all that Mother Nature had to offer on their unsuspecting town. As if the monsters coming out to play weren't enough.

She shed her jeans and pulled on a pair of sweats. Comfort was key. If she were going to have to spend the evening alone she would have to fool herself into believing in her own safety. If she allowed her mind to wonder she would be on edge all evening. There was no -A investigating tonight, no thinking about the things that go bump in the night. If she did she would never be able to relax. It was a no nonsense, cuddle up on the couch and watch Netflix kind of night.

She eyed the faded blue shirt that she used to sleep in longingly, but she wanted to go there even less. Guilt and longing would overwhelm her even more quickly than the fear would. She was so stupid, _so stupid. _And maybe she deserved this, but she couldn't focus on it right now. Not when her mom was out being a lawyer and her friends were busy with their families and Toby- She shook her head. It wasn't the time for that, because if she was going to focus on her loneliness it was going to be at a time when she wasn't alone, when she wasn't feeling its bitter sting.

She nearly jumped out of her skin as she heard a faint knock on the front door. She had no idea who it could be, but what she did know was that it wasn't her mom or her dad or her friends. They would have either texted first or walked inside and announced their presence. And that meant that it was either trouble or it was someone that she didn't want to see.

But at she walked down the stairs and caught sight of a lean, hoodie clad body she knew exactly who it was. Because even after what felt like a lifetime of visits he still didn't get that it was going to give her a minor heart attack to see someone in a dark jacket at her front door.

Even now, even in the midst of what had to have been the worst fight they had ever had, seeing him gave her an indescribable sense of comfort. She couldn't describe it in any other term but safe. Around Toby she felt safe. She pulled open the door and stepped back, just looking at his dripping jacket... his damp hair... the tips of his fingers that were sticking out from his sleeves... anywhere but his eyes really. Because if she looked at him he would know. He would know and it would all be over. He would know and he would never want to talk to her again. "Hi," she whispered, internally kicking herself. Hi was an invitation to converse. And she had wanted nothing but to talk to Toby for weeks. She would have done anything for five minutes of his time. But now? She wanted nothing more than to sink in the floor and disappear, but even that felt like too good a fate for her.

"Hey," he said in his typical, slow drawl.

She closed her eyes and took a step back to invite him in. Her mind was screaming at her to send him away before he picked all of her secrets and insecurities out of her eyes, but her body demanded to be close to him. And despite what appearances may say, she didn't always give in to her brain. Sometimes her heart won out. And despite the fact that his presence was slowly shredding what was left of it into pieces, she couldn't think of a better way to go.

She still didn't look at him as they sat down together, the thunder crashing over head. The rain drops pattered against the roof like the soft percussion undertones to the symphony of emotions raging in her chest. She was so happy to be near him, _so happy. _Because, despite what she told herself while they were apart, there wasn't a person that she loved more in the world. But the guilt was edging in on the happiness. It was eating away at her.

The kiss, it hadn't meant anything. But to Toby it was going to mean everything. She had been the only one to vocalize the safety that she felt in him, but she knew that Toby felt the same way about her. His tumultuous childhood had taught him that trust was a scarce commodity, but God, he had trusted her. He trusted her, and she decidedly did not deserve it.

She wanted to throw up.

But as the guilt worked to overcome her happiness anger reared its ugly head. He should know her better than this. While she never doubted his loyalty for a second, she was starting to doubt his motivations. He claimed that this was for her, but this wasn't the first time that it had happened. They had been down this road many times. When things got too hard, when he was too emotional to talk to her... when he didn't know what to say to her... he ran. He ran away and he left her to work it out for herself. Had she done something? Was this about her or someone else? Did he even want to be with her anymore? Maybe it was illogical and maybe it wasn't, but he knew her. He knew her better than any other person on the planet. Sometimes she thought that he knew her better than she knew herself. Her insecurities were all known to him, every single one of them. He knew how scared she got and how she second guessed everything. He knew that she would rather have a thousand lifetimes of fear as long as he was by her side than to be without him. She could lose everything and as long as she still had Toby she would be fine. He knew that, and yet he didn't give her that choice. He chose for her, and the most infuriating part of it was that this wasn't the first time. This happened again and again, and she wasn't sure that she could mentally handle it any longer.

She sighed and chanced lifting her eyes slightly, allowing them to hover somewhere around his lips. She bit down on her lower lip and looked at his collar bones instead. That was safer. "What are you doing here, Toby?"

She still wasn't properly looking at him, but she could feel his eyes on her. "I think we need to talk."

"About what?" She made the mistake of finally making eye contact. He looked exhausted. The vibrant blue of his eyes was as dull as she had ever seen it. His blood shot eyes, heavy bags beneath them, and messy hair suggested that he hadn't slept in awhile. Her eyes filled with tears as she stood back up. "I've tried to talk to you for _weeks, _Toby. Every single day for over two weeks I tried to reach out. I tried to get a hold of you, but you blew me off again and again. Why is it different now?" She walked off into the kitchen, not sure that she really wanted to hear his answer.

But of course he followed after her. Of course he did, the self-deprecating idiot. He needlessly took the weight of the world on his shoulders, and now that he saw that he was wrong he would do what he had to do to make things right with her. But this time he didn't realize that she had as much to atone for as he did. He grabbed her hand to stop her. He was always so gentle. She could have broken out of his hold without a problem, but she didn't want too. She hadn't even known she had been holding back tears, but the second that his fingers touched her skin one broke loose and trailed down her cheek.

"No," he whispered, wiping the tear away. "Please don't cry. I'm sorry. I was stupid. I just wanted to protect you, and I thought that it was worth it. I thought that if I found something that could end this, or at the very least if I could keep you away from Tanner, it would be worth it. But you're worse off than you started, and it's always my fault."

She shook her head, not willing to let him shoulder the blame for another second. She opened her mouth to tell him everything, but he continued on, oblivious to her being on the brink of confession. "I had to come and tell you, I shouldn't be here but I wasn't going to let you get caught unaware. Mona's house was broken in to a few days ago."

She paled. They had burst into there without a second thought when the music started playing. Had it been a set up after all? "I-"

"That's the point I'm trying to make here," he hurried, not letting her talk. "I know that you were there. They found fingerprints. And while I'm sure that your mom could rip it to shreds in a half second, I don't want you to be caught unaware when they come after you again. I think you'll be okay, but I wasn't about to leave you hanging."

Another tear slipped down her face. Had he really been working for her all this time? She had told herself that he was when she allowed her mind to wonder, but she hadn't really believed it. Because what about her was enough to keep him? When he was shy, nerdy Toby Cavanaugh, maybe. She was popular and maybe not ugly. And while she wasn't quite shallow enough to believe that really mattered in the real world, it kind of did matter in high school. And in the heirarchy of high school, her and Toby made some sense. The -A drama had forced her to grow up quicker, sure, but she was still essentially an 18 year old girl who had scarcely ventured out on her own. High school was all that she knew.

But now? He had a career. He escaped the family that held him down. He was confident and poised and he knew how to love, and he did so deeply. He deserved the world. He certainly deserved better than her. "I did something."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

How was she supposed to tell him this? Because for all of his faults, she was absolutely certain that he never would have done to her what she had done to him. "Jonny kissed me." When he looked like he was going to talk she kept going, her words a jumbled mess. She could only hope that he understood her, because she didn't ever want to talk about this again. "I didn't kiss him back, I didn't initiate it, and I felt nothing for him. He kissed me, and I just stood there like I was a freaking statue. I could have pushed him away. I _should _have pushed him away."

"Spencer-" his voice was soft, but the hurt was as clear as day. He was going to excuse what she did, and she couldn't let him do that. He hadn't even heard the worst of it yet.

"It gets worse," she matched his tone. But she couldn't look at him. "When I was in London I spent some time with Melissa's roommate, Collin. And- We-" she turned away and looked at the wall. "I didn't- I just-" she couldn't get the words out. "It just felt so good to be with someone who wanted to be with me."

She was fully crying now. The tears that smeared her mascara and made her cheeks feel raw and painful. She wasn't just crying about Collin. She was crying because it felt so good. It felt so good to be wanted, but she didn't want it to be Collin. She wanted it to be Toby, but maybe she had ruined that and it was all just too much.

Toby didn't say anything for a long time. But when he did his words wavered. "What did you do, Spencer?"

"I think we went on a date," she said softly. "But I didn't think of it like that. I just- I didn't tell him about you. I didn't want to think about you because I didn't know where we stood, and it just made me anxious. He said he had an extra ticket to a play that I had always wanted to see, and I took him up on it without thinking. And then we went to the pub because I could drink legally there. It was an experience thing for me, but I got drunk and he got flirty. And when we got back to Melissa's apartment we kissed. It was short, but this time I kissed him back."

It was physically painful to think about what she did, but he deserved the full truth. "I have never regretted anything more in my life," she said truthfully. "I've done some pretty awful things, but this wins. And if you never want to talk to me again I understand."

The realization that Toby had been working for her all along made what she did all the more painful. He was pushing her away for her own protection, giving up his life to keep her safe... and she was kissing other boys.

She jumped at the feel of his hand against her arm. It felt so good, but it also felt wrong. She was so torn and she hated it. She wasn't good at the grey. She wanted it to be black or white. But this? This was as grey as it got. Did she want him to forgive her or not? Did she want him to hold her and kiss away her insecurities or did she want him to scream at her and tell her he hated her as much as she hated herself?

He gently turned her around. His wet eyes sent a stab of pain through her heart. As soon as he saw her looking at him he dropped his hands and looked at the ground. "Why?"

She didn't need him to clarify. She knew what he was asking. "With Jonny it was nothing. Less than nothing. I thought he was my friend. I thought that he would respect that I was with you. I didn't think that I had to tell him that I didn't want him."

Toby's eyes hardened behind the tears. "You shouldn't have had to."

She should have chosen different words. That was a sensitive topic for him and she didn't want it to color the way that he viewed the situation. Jonny was the equivalent of a floppy eared puppy dog, and she could have pushed him away. It was her fault. "Maybe not. But it was different with Collin, and I don't know what I was thinking."

He shook his head and turned around. She knew him well enough to know that he was crying and wanted to hide it from her. "That's not good enough," his wispy voice broke through the silence.

"Hey," she ducked down in front of him and took his face in her hands. Vulnerable Toby had always been her weakness. She was still upset with him, and they would have to talk about that. But right now she owed him the most sincere apology she had ever uttered, and she would do everything to make sure he got it. "I know. I know, but I don't want to try to justify it because it was wrong. It was so wrong, and the only thing that I can say was that it felt good. It felt so damn good, but so wrong at the same time. I missed being touched like that, and I missed feeling important to someone. I missed feeling like I mattered, but I didn't want it to be Collin. I wanted it to be you."

"I'm sorry. I thought that I was doing the right thing," he murmured. His head hung low and his eyes were on the ground. But despite that, she could still see the tears welling up in his eyes. She was struck with the memory of their night in the motel not so long ago. It was so similar, emotions high... their desperation for each other reigning supreme, but the weight of things left unsaid weighing heavily between them.

Back then she let it go. She kissed him and held him and she thought that everything would be fine, that it didn't need to be said. They always knew, but sometimes it needed to be said. She wouldn't make that mistake again, because as much as she loved him, as much as she desperately wanted his apology to be enough, it wasn't. They needed to clear the air. "You don't get to apologize for what I did," she said softly. "But maybe you could apologize for running from me again."

He looked up at her again, putting his hands over hers, trapping them against his face. "I'm sorry."

She could see the sincerity in his eyes, but it wasn't enough. "I've said this before, but I don't think it's sunk in. You _can't _do that to me. After last time it's too real in my mind what it looks like to lose you. If you're getting tired of me, if I'm not what you want anymore... that's different. Tell me and we can go from there. But don't you dare leave me again because you're trying to protect me." She swallowed roughly. "Because I would pick you every time over every thing, Toby. You've proven that to me over and over again. You've proven that you'll put me first. Let me do the same for you. Don't take that same choice away from me."

"I know it's hard for you to see how much I've changed, because you came in on the tail end of my darker years. But before I would just run. I would get on my bike and not come back, but now I stay. I was here. And I know that I didn't seem available to you, but-"

She bit her lip. "Toby, I don't want to discredit how far you've come. Because I _have _seen that. I've seen you grow, but if we don't figure out a way to communicate..."

He lowered one his arms to her waist and pressed his forehead into hers. "I don't want to lose you."

A tear leaked out of her eye, mixing with one rolling down Toby's cheek. "I don't want to lose you either."

She choked back a sob as he leaned in and pressed their lips together for the first time in weeks. Somehow it felt like their first kiss all over again. The uncertainty, the fear, the joy of being with him again, of loving him. But it was a new kind of love, a freeing love. Maybe they hadn't worked everything out, but maybe it worked out enough. She leaned into him, wanting to touch him, wanting to be as close to him as she possibly could.

Toby wrapped an arm around her waist and lifted her off the ground. She laughed into his mouth and wrapped her legs around his waist. She couldn't think of a more perfect moment than this. As their tears intermixed and their laughter filled the room she was happier than she remembered being. It wouldn't last long. Something would probably interrupt this bliss before no time. But for now, right in this moment things were perfect.

And as long as she had Toby by her side she would find a way to navigate through the storms to come.


End file.
